Month: September 2025

So where did it all go wrong?

Backtracking to the beginning is like splitting open my chest with pruning shears. I need to unravel all the strings I have wound so tightly around my memories so they don’t creep in constantly throughout each day. They are like scaley black hands scratching my brain front to back, letting incisions peel open for the suffering to get air.

I swear, I laugh at it all now. But with comedy comes tragedy, and I can only keep the show running for so long. Let’s count the red flags to start.

The first was my intentions. I’ll take full responsibility for opening the door to this nightmare. I moved with anger, anguish, and revenge. I amplified my pain hoping this person would somehow suck it out of me like an exorcism and I would be happy. This was never going to happen.

The first time he lied to me SHOULD have been it, right. Finding out this person you’re opening your heart to is being deceitful from the start. And yet I threw myself into the volcano like a sacrifice to this feeling of inadequacy and shame. A part of me felt I deserved to be treated this way and another part of me was so convinced I could help this person and somehow I was a martyr to this broken man. All he needed was the right kind of love! Well damn I was wrong. The more I loved the more angry he got. I let the crushing weight of my past mistakes push my self identity down into the shell of my body. I needed to prove I could help this person, I could save this person. At the cost of my own life.

What is a narcissist? I knew people could be selfish, but I never knew the twisted perception they could create. A narcissist is a mirror. They reflect everything you want in a partner and carefully craft the mask that fits that storyline. They are wrong in every way from the start but create this sickeningly sweet song that pricks your ears just right. I saw so many bad outcomes and welcomed the with open arms. I invited the chaos in despite every alarm going off in my head. I wanted to see this reality crumble around me. This isolated nest I had built for myself needed to be set on fire. The pangs of self-destruction dragged me closer to each bad decision.

Two years ago, on September 4th 2022, my nightmare began.

What is Stockholm Syndrome?

I had heard of it, but I never fully understood how this mental illness could distort one’s reality. This ailment forms when someone is completely at the will of their abuser. The daily agony and pain becomes a form of warped love that begs for the attention of the person harming them. It starts as a mental game. In the stories I’m about to tell I am going to speak from my perspective as I fell into the trap of a narcissist.

I was in a mental decline from partying, alcohol and drugs muddled my perspective. My guard was down just enough for him to take aim at my soft spots. He acted so interested and spoke to my insecurities like the blanket I needed as a child.

I woke up one day and my life was no longer my own.

When I was little, I never could comprehend what evil could exist in the world and then one day I met it. For these stories we’ll call him Ben. There are many reasons I arrived at this place in my life, but not once did I expect how quickly my life would turn into a complete nightmare. I share some of these stories occasionally and I’m met with various reactions of pity, sympathy, or shock. I’m thankful for those I can share these stories with that will laugh with me because quite honestly there are some moments I can hardly comprehend are real because of the complete absurdity. I have to laugh because of how terrifying it was. I am lucky to be alive and well enough to begin the painful process of recounting these memories.