My story is not happy or sad. These are such simple categories of feeling that don’t hold much meaning. Happy can be painful, dark, and triumphant. Sad can be hollow, harrowing, and hopeful. The nuances of each weave together. Sometimes I am the happiest when I’m sad, and sometimes I am the saddest in moments of happiness. There is a comfort in knowing the depths human suffering can sink into.

One day you have to face your demons and if you’re prepared for it, you will break through into an entirely new life. There are three questions to ask yourself to get to this point: do you like yourself? Do you trust yourself? Do you forgive yourself?

I began to ask these questions daily until I finally felt confident in the answers. Then, as if studying all year for a final exam, the day came when I had to face the demons. At this moment, I am still reeling in the bittersweet memories that come across my mind. We cannot have the good without the bad, the light without the darkness, and the truth without the lies. I can play the tapes of these memories without the guilt I felt for so long because they were my decision to be a part of. I chose the life I was in and all the pain that came with it. I am thankful to have learned the lesson of gratitude and self-love out of it.

Today, I came face to face with my abuser, I felt calmer than I expected. He was a person I knew in a past version of my life, and despite all the anger that surged in that moment, it wasn’t worth saying any of it. The resentments are no longer a part of my self. He doesn’t know me, the person I am today, and as a stranger in my new life, I allowed the moment to pass by. All the negative thoughts that lingered dissipated softly into the same wave of thoughts of the pieces that were good. I have learned it is ok to miss a person who betrayed you. That love doesn’t have to be forgotten, because this is the love that was a reflection of my own good intentions. Rather, it must be sent within, as a survivor of a life that wanted to destroy me.

I write this with a hurricane of words in my mind that create a story of love and loss. I have accepted that there is nothing to gain by speaking these thoughts and giving them power again. I still believe anyone can change if they really want to. And some people never want to.