Category: Uncategorized

We will come back to this topic more extensively as this story progresses. But it’s important to have some background knowledge on this process. You watch someone you love die in front of you a little more every day. You see this person transform right before your eyes into someone completely different. In minutes everything about their demeanor, expressions, and language change entirely. You never know when they’re going to snap or how to get them out of it. You’re living with a true Jekyll and Hyde – one minute loving, the next destruction. I’m not sure if this monster lived inside him this entire time and I was too naïve to see it, or if something really did slowly melt away all the good parts of his being.

Psychosis is a mental condition where someone completely loses touch with reality. Their delusions become so convincing; it makes the one witnessing this change question their own reality. The one in psychosis will think completely irrational thoughts like believing people are out for them, following them, or to the extent I experienced, hiding in their house. Over a year these phantom people became a part of my daily life. They were in the walls, in the ceiling, in the car, outside. They followed us everywhere we went and caused havoc trying to find them. It became constant question of whether to agree or disagree, but no matter if I said I believed it or not I was always the one to blame for causing them to appear.

So where did it all go wrong?

Backtracking to the beginning is like splitting open my chest with pruning shears. I need to unravel all the strings I have wound so tightly around my memories so they don’t creep in constantly throughout each day. They are like scaley black hands scratching my brain front to back, letting incisions peel open for the suffering to get air.

I swear, I laugh at it all now. But with comedy comes tragedy, and I can only keep the show running for so long. Let’s count the red flags to start.

The first was my intentions. I’ll take full responsibility for opening the door to this nightmare. I moved with anger, anguish, and revenge. I amplified my pain hoping this person would somehow suck it out of me like an exorcism and I would be happy. This was never going to happen.

The first time he lied to me SHOULD have been it, right. Finding out this person you’re opening your heart to is being deceitful from the start. And yet I threw myself into the volcano like a sacrifice to this feeling of inadequacy and shame. A part of me felt I deserved to be treated this way and another part of me was so convinced I could help this person and somehow I was a martyr to this broken man. All he needed was the right kind of love! Well damn I was wrong. The more I loved the more angry he got. I let the crushing weight of my past mistakes push my self identity down into the shell of my body. I needed to prove I could help this person, I could save this person. At the cost of my own life.

What is a narcissist? I knew people could be selfish, but I never knew the twisted perception they could create. A narcissist is a mirror. They reflect everything you want in a partner and carefully craft the mask that fits that storyline. They are wrong in every way from the start but create this sickeningly sweet song that pricks your ears just right. I saw so many bad outcomes and welcomed the with open arms. I invited the chaos in despite every alarm going off in my head. I wanted to see this reality crumble around me. This isolated nest I had built for myself needed to be set on fire. The pangs of self-destruction dragged me closer to each bad decision.

Two years ago, on September 4th 2022, my nightmare began.

What is Stockholm Syndrome?

I had heard of it, but I never fully understood how this mental illness could distort one’s reality. This ailment forms when someone is completely at the will of their abuser. The daily agony and pain becomes a form of warped love that begs for the attention of the person harming them. It starts as a mental game. In the stories I’m about to tell I am going to speak from my perspective as I fell into the trap of a narcissist.

I was in a mental decline from partying, alcohol and drugs muddled my perspective. My guard was down just enough for him to take aim at my soft spots. He acted so interested and spoke to my insecurities like the blanket I needed as a child.

I woke up one day and my life was no longer my own.

When I was little, I never could comprehend what evil could exist in the world and then one day I met it. For these stories we’ll call him Ben. There are many reasons I arrived at this place in my life, but not once did I expect how quickly my life would turn into a complete nightmare. I share some of these stories occasionally and I’m met with various reactions of pity, sympathy, or shock. I’m thankful for those I can share these stories with that will laugh with me because quite honestly there are some moments I can hardly comprehend are real because of the complete absurdity. I have to laugh because of how terrifying it was. I am lucky to be alive and well enough to begin the painful process of recounting these memories.

In 2008 I entered my Freshman year at SUNY Purchase studying creative writing with a concentration in poetry. What started as an outlet to free my mind of chaos and discovery language in my education became a life-long process that lead me to today. I allowed life to get in the way. My perspective has changed from things happening to me to things happening for me. My experiences are by no means simple, easy, or joyful. I often evoke deep sorrow when putting pen to paper. In recent years, I allowed my addictions take a hold of my will and nearly forgot everything I ever dreamed of. At a point, I had given up on happiness. I use my poetry to harness the suffering we all share as humans. Our thoughts can trick us, and by writing I work to guide them into imagery that evokes those emotions in others.

I will be sharing more of this journey and the metaphysical ideas that are now serving as my writing prompts. Living a substance free life has allowed me to channel the weaving language and pour pieces of my soul into every word.

You can buy the book here on Amazon.com.

I hope you will subscribe and follow along as this new journey unfolds and the next collection comes together. I’ll be sharing some stories of the surreal experiences I have had that got me here.

These are going to be snapshots of my recollection of domestic violence, Stockholm Syndrome, psychosis, addiction, substance abuse, heartbreak, loss, and above all else, hope and recovery.

Who doesn’t love an even number? We’re calling in 2020, and any new decade seems like a fitting time to transform our lives. Optimism can come in many forms, but in this case it seems more of a crutch. Everyone has all these grand plans for the upcoming year; embarking on a new decade after spending the last ten years in an existential crisis. Why discredit their motivation to become a better person? Or are they simply relying on the universe to provide some undeserved karmic reward for surviving into this “new” year. What clean slate is waiting on the other side of midnight?

Continue reading “2020 Vibes” →